Kim Possible Porn Story: KP and the Four Plot Bunnies of the Apocalypse Chapter 1
KP and the Four Plot Bunnies of the Apocalypse
Prologue
A dark plague crept across the studio, operating largely in the shadows for generations and set upon mankind by an evil Master whose footsteps fouled the earth for as long as animation has entertained upon it. Led by four evil creatures who have been corrupted and enslaved by the Master, the plague has cast its shadowy tentacles from sea to sea, through towns and cities large and small, sparing no one. Almost no location has proven remote enough to escape its reach and it has visited death, illness, suffering, life, health, prosperity and humor, on young and old alike.
Even as I weave this tale, I hear their approaching paw beats and start to scream: but the sheer terror of the moment takes the sound of my voice away before I can make it. A lesser person would start to freeze in their tracks, as the horror of what is before them fills their eyes, their hearts, and their souls. But not me. I have become too accustomed to their appearance. Still, if I let them I could be paralyzed right where I stand.
If the world at large knew of these creatures existence, it would unleash the combined worlds military forces with a single simple instruction: complete annihilation no matter the cost. And when the dust settled, they would order the ground burned then salted just to make sure that they were dead.
Who are these creatures you may ask? These creatures that would instill such fear and horror
They are the four plot bunnies of the Apocalypse: Crummy Tummy, Wrong-sick, Awk-weird, and Steamy Hot Badness and they are about to unleash their fearsomeness on a whole lot of readers, writers and reviewers. Now sit back, put up your feet and enjoy as Awk-weird nibbles on your ear with the first of four tales.
–xx–
How May I Direct
by kt
Chapter 1
Bored,
bored,
bored,
bored.
What a job. How fun, she thought to herself sarcastically. Sitting behind a receptionist desk for the next eight hours with nothing to do but answer the phone and transfer calls. This was simply not the sort of job to give a Master Thief and Major Sidekick. A slight smile came to her lips as she imagined Dr. Ds rear end still burning from the blast she gave when his last paycheck to her had bounced higher than a kite in a hurricane. However, the satisfaction she got from the image, and ensuing headache, didnt set too well with her bank and Credit Card Company: both had frozen her accounts.
With no fundage, she was reduced to this lovely, menial job provided by the Hank Perkins Temp Agency. And to make matters worse, it was a livin nightmare that just added salt to the wound of her current money problem.
My career is so in the toilet if anyone finds out, she said under her breath, her right hand outlined with glowing green plasma. The only good thing about this is Im on the graveyard shift and theres hardly anyone around. The iciness in her voice could have frozen over Hades.
~*ring ring*~
Okay, here we go, she thought, cuing a possible picture of the person in her minds eye. Hair up in pink curlers, a blue housecoat, fuzzy pink mules, cucumber facial mask, and a Bronx accent but NonJersey. She lifted the receiver, leaned back into the soft leather chair, put her feet up on the desk and grabbed her emery board.
Call Transfer Center. How may I direct your call? she said, filing one of her razor sharp nails as she spoke.
May I please speak to Dr. Wade Load?
Her mouth and feet hit the floor simultaneously as she also dropped her emery board and the phone.
What in the name of the Princess Kimmie! No. No way. This was ultimate irony. It was too good to be true she thought as she quickly moved over to the computer terminal.
Quickly she scanned the directory, and sure enough, there was a listing for Dr. Wade Load, Kim Possible, and her goofy sidekick too. Also listed were Kims Mom and Dad along with the Middleton Institute of Science and Technology (M.I.S.T.).
Hurriedly she picked up the phone and replied, Just a second, sweet-britches; Ill patch you through. She hit the transfer button and dialed the code for Wades direct line. Thatll serve nerdlinger right to have a call at this time of night, she chuckled to herself.
A second or two later, the phone rang again.
~*ring ring*~
From the heavy breathing on the other end it sounded like Dr. Dementor, she thought, as she put on a headset, plugged it in and pressed the button that would switch to it.
Team-Hotline Mgliche, was willst du?
Hi, Im sorry I called just a moment ago. My cat jumped onto the phone pad and hung up the phone on me. Is there anyway you could you please patch me back through to Dr. Load? Andsay, what happened to the lady I was just talking to a moment ago?
Kaffeepause, zurck in Krze.
On that note the lines fell silent, and since there wasnt anything better to do she checked the video cameras. There was no movement on the monitors that surveyed the entire front and rear area, so she pulled open the deep bottom drawer of her desk and tore a bottle from the six-pack she kept there. 36-ounces of Code Red Appalachian Dewpure jet fuel for the hyperactive. She spun the cap off and drained the bottle in a single chug, flipping her long black back behind her as she did. Then she re-capped the bottle and tossed it into the recycling bin on the far side of the reception area in one effortless throw.
“Bingo! she exclaimed as it landed neatly in the plastic container forty feet away. Nothin but net.
Bored,
bored,
bored,
bored,
bored.
Still, it was kinda cool, doing this. Sure she could have used her child development degree and made a heck of a lot more money wet-nurse maiding a bunch of snot nosed High School kids doing the summer school make-up class thingy. But it wouldnt have been as fun. Yeah, she was just a telephone flunky with a fancy title Call Transfer Receptionist but she felt a little like a sentry perched out here: the last line of defense for the frazzled idiots locked away in tiny, cluttered offices somewhere while she had all this space and freedom.
That and maybe, just maybe, she could have some fun causin mischief for Miss Priss.
After all the Cupcake deserved it after the latest round of grief shed caused her. But shed have to be careful though. Getting fired was not a good idea until Drakken got his fundage back in order.
For a moment she tried picturing herself as a guard dog stationed outside a prison cell to kill some time. A Doberman Shepherd, or was the kind of dog she was thinking of called a German Pinscher? It was too hard to think as the Dew was giving her a head buzz.
Ah heck, she said to the empty room, who cares, Im a cat person anyway.
~*ring ring*~
Intermission over. Time to get back to business. Pressing the answer button, she lowered her voice and took on a masculine/female tone.
Seeing as youve reached the M.I.S.T. Institute for Higher Learning, one of the most powerful institutes on the face of the planet, Dirty Harriet advised the startled caller, I know what youre thinkin. Is she gonna patch me straight through to whoever I wanna talk to, or put me on hold for an hour and force me to listen to Barry Manilow Sings The Worlds Worst Love Songs Ever Written, Volume 2 as interpreted by Zamfir and his magic Pan flute? Well, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
You have reached the Middleton Robotic Center, she answered in a robotic voice. I am WAO, your Wholly Automated Operator. Please speak loudly and clearly so that I can better serve you. To whom do you wish to be connected?
Dr. James Possible, please.
Invalid code entry.
Dr. James T. Possible?
Invalid code entry.
Dr. James Timothy Possible?
Invalid code entry.
Dr. JT Possible?
Invalid code entry. Sheesh, doesnt this person never give up?
Possible?
Invalid code entry.
James?
Invalid code entry.
~*click*~
Woo hoo! Break out the champagne!
~*ring ring*~
Hello, Middleton Space Center. MC Honey speaking. How may I help you?
Oh, thank goodness. I just got done wrangling with your automatic answering machine.
Yes, weve been having problems with that system lately. Let me guess: invalid code entry?
Yes.
Tell me who youre trying to get hold of, honey-buns, and Ill patch you right through.
Dr. James Possible?
Shego fought back the urge to say invalid code entry. Instead she said, Itll just take me a second, hon.
Thanks. Youre a real life saver.
Really, Cherry or Grape?
What?
Never mind.
She transferred the call and had just enough time to give an evil grin, as she had sent the call to a Dr. P. O. Box that she had found earlier in the directory, before the next call came in.
This person made the mistake of asking How are you today?
Shego smiled. This was just too perfect.
Well now, thats so nice of you to ask. As a matter of fact, Im a bit upset tonight you see, my cat got the runs quite suddenly last night and you know what kind of mess that makes. Ive also got this twinge in my back as I was bending over to take care of a hangnail on my big toe. Have you ever had one of those? I hope not, because its as bad as an itchy scalp, and Ive got that all the time. You just dont know the pain Im in and
~*click*~
Bored,
bored,
bored,
bored.
Picking up a nearby Humans magazine, the coming fall fashion section caught her attention as the latest Club Banana fare seemed to help pass the time a little bit faster until she was rudely interrupted by
~*ring ring*~
“You smell that? Do you smell that?…burnt cotton poly, lady. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of burnt cotton poly in the morning. You know, one time I ransacked all of Uppertons Fashion District, for two whole hours. When it was all over there was nuthin left and I still couldnt find one Club Banana Designer Jacket in my color anywhere, not one stinkin’ one. Oh, the smell, you know, that acrid burnt cotton poly smell, from burning plasma and fabric? Smells like – victory. I love it. This fashion war is so never gonna end.”
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
You clean Carpets you say Can you get blood out of a white carpet?… FANTASTIC, youre just what Team Possible is looking for Let me explain what they need. See, that brunette nutcase that has bugging the heck out of Kim for the past few years finally went to far when she showed up at Kimmies parents home earlier tonight. Kim was helping Ron in the kitchen cutting vegetables and well, the young lady sorta stormed in yelling that she had been ignored long enough and that she would help Ron get dinner. This is where accident prone Kimmie in the kitchen handed her the knife and accidently nicked the brunettes radial artery I think that her name was Lonnie Locklobster or something, may she rest in peace Anyway, the young lady ran screaming around the living room and theres blood everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE You can get it cleaned up right?… Theyve already taken care of the body. So you shouldnt have to move anything. Oh, and be sure not tell anyone about this right?, would hate to get the Princess in trouble
~*click*~
Now thats gotta get some attention she thought as she patched the call through without another word and drained a second bottle of Code Red. The long plastic bottle arched neatly through the air, over the head of night janitor who had just wandered in from the hall, and thunked down on top of the other empties in the recycling bin. Can I help you? she asked with both hands blazing.
Yeah, II was hoping to catch Mr. Perkins. Is he in his office?
Nope, Id heard he ran off to Cancun wit DNAmy. They make such a cute couple, and Im sure itll be a lovely honeymoon, she said, with her most sincere smile.
A blank stare was all she got from the man.
She sighed. Hes gone home for the evening. His office hours are posted on his door, da.
Okaythanks, Lady The janitor hurried out, casting nervous sidelong glances at her as though afraid she would attack. She grinned at him, showing a mouthful of very large, sharp-looking white teeth. With her black eyes glowing like the pits of hell, she knew she must have looked pretty scary. Judging by his yelps as he scampered away, in any event.
She chugged yet a third bottle of Code Red. The shift wasnt even close to over and already shed torn through half her stash. Maybe she could pick up another couple of six-packs over break. A bottle of 2000 Fonseca Porto Vintage could help time pass nicely, too but that would have to wait until payday.
The inevitable effect of all that soda culminated in a sudden, pressing need to pay a visit to the can. It wasnt far away, and she wouldnt be gone longnot even out of earshot if the phone rang. She got up and left the desk.
She heard the phone ring just as she was zipping up her catsuit. She washed her hands quickly and galloped back to the desk.
~*ring ring*~
~*ring ring*~
Hi, Team Possible Hotline. Sorry to keep you waiting. Im not the regular receptionist, she said, panting as though frazzled.
Thats quite all right.
My sister is the normal secretary here. You see, they just took her to Middleton hospital.
Oh, no, that’s terrible! What happened?
She was bit by the moose.
What?
“No, really. She was carving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an Interspace toothbrush given to her by Svengeher brother-in-law; an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: The Hot Hands of an Oslo Dentist, Fillings of Passion, The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink…”
~*click*~
Okay, she felt guilty about that one. Stealing from Monty Python was beneath her, but she was rushed. Shed do better next time.
~*ring ring*~
Brrrrrow?
Im sorry?
Maoooow, mrrrrow?
Umis anyone there?
She purred into the receiver.
Uh, nicekitty
~*click*~
Ha! What a putz!
A long stretch of inactivity. She was amazed that no one had yet called to complain. Those could be fun to mess with…
Bored,
bored,
bored,
bored,
bored,
bored.
She passed the time making shurikens out of paperclips and flicking them at the wastebasket. This was only moderately diverting, since her aim was infallible, and shortly she had converted the whole box and had outlined the can with all 100.
~*ring ring*~
The number you have reached is no longer in service, she announced, and hung up.
~*ring ring*~
Hi, lover, she said in a breathy mock male voice. Im Ron Stoppable, and I wanna be yournaughtylittlestud monkey!
There was a quiet gasp, and a sudden ~*click*~.
Now, theres somebodys Grandma who wont be callin back any time soon, she thought, cackling maniacally in the empty area.
~*ring ring*~
Shall we dance? she thought, and answered in a flawless imitation of Fisher Stevens as Dr. Ben Jabituya from the movie Short Circuit and its equally pitiful sequel. Oh, good golly! You have reached Abdullahs Psychic Friends hotline. Psychics have say that you have reached number by accident. If trying to reach the M.I.S.T. Institute of Higher Learning. Please to hang up now, and to redial. Allah be with you!
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
You know, she said into the receiver, voice contemplative. Sometimes, when these phones really get to ringin off the hook like this, I just feel like tracing the numbers back and getting all your addresses and visiting your little houses late at night with a blow torch and a hacksaw. After I claw your eyes out!
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
Ill take Phrases not found in a standard Latin to English dictionary for $400, Alex.
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
Kimmie World sounds like fun doesnt it? Wanna come with us pumpkin but youre not sure how to get there Way we get there is on a magical Unicorn that eats rainbows and poops butterflies. She said in her best little girl voice
~*click*~
~*ring ring*~
So answer me this kiddo, before I patch ya through to Dr. Possible, is it more important to follow the documented processes or to meet the deadlines, cause my deadline is now arbitrary since someone rewrote the whole document process this morning and now the whole thing looks like it was pulled out of someones lower torso. Hang on a second That idiot wouldnt have been you now WOULD IT!?!
~*click*~
And so it went, hour after hour. Finally it was six amquitting time.
With laudable punctuality, Hank Perkins walked into the building. With a deadpan look on his face he motioned to her to follow him to his office.
Lets jus see what Mr. College grad has to say about todays little piece of work, she thought.
She stood and faced him eyeball to eyeball. You want to talk to me, Hankie?
Yes, he said, his carefully cultivated high pitched winey voice betraying nothing. He motioned for her to follow him the short distance to his office. Shrugging her shoulders, she followed down the short hallway to his office. Just close the door behind you please, Shego. He said as he walked through his office door and sat down behind the large desk.
Dum, de dum dum. Dum, de dum dum dum, she thought, doing as she was bid. This was gonna be it, for Mr. Fancy Pants, if he so much said a word about her work tonight. Her left hand started to glow green.
I wanted to speak to you about your behavior last night, on the telephone. Its hardly customary for a call center receptionist to hang up on callers, lead them to believe they have the wrong number, or to threaten their lives.
Shego stood silent, impassive. Inside, she was doing handsprings and turning cartwheels. Im fired, Im fired! Happy Happy, Joy Joy
Perkins held out a hand with what looked like a final check. Believing this was good ol Hankies version of a kiss on the lips by Don Corleone, she began to take it solemnly.
Keep up the good work. On the telephones, I mean. People are loving it. Some of them called back several times just to hear what craziness youd come up with next. Everyone enjoys the odd surreal experience, including our Clients, and you brightened a lot of peoples dreary evening on your shift. Im keeping you on the graveyard phone full-time, with a nice raise to boot.
She didnt move. She couldnt. Slowly, realization sank in and she freely extended her hand for the check. Any money, especially real money was a good thing after all.
As she looked at the amount a wry smile overtook her face until she read the memo and signature lines.
Loved the Stud Monkey pickup line.
Kimberly Anne Possible
She fell over backwards onto the floor, her head spinning.
Nearly unconscious, the only thing she wanted right now was for Hank to actually hear the busy signals in her poor brain.
–xx–
Kim Possible Characters Y the Walt Disney Company, USA
A special thanks to MrDrP who named the four plot bunnies of the Apocalypse and started me on this quest. If he only knew what the consequences would be. giggle.
Inspired source material from more places than I want to think about.
My betas are still ROFLOL.